People talk about needing closure; they generally tend to mean that they want answers and understand why things ended the way they did.
Heartbroken people often believe that they can get the closure they so desperately want, if only they could understand why. They hope that this knowledge will help them stop overthinking and free them from their painful feelings.
Closure is an internal matter because if you seek it from your ex or anywhere else, you will be left frustrated and helpless, dragging out your healing process.
So let’s check out some truths about closure that explain why it must be an inside job:
Your Ex’s Responses Will Prompt More Questions
For the person leaving, it’s probably the best way to end the relationship. But for the people left, it’s profoundly unsatisfying and our natural tendency is to ask more questions: “What’s wrong desperately?” “Can we fix it somehow?” “Can we at least work on it?”
It’s important to know that we are still in love with someone; nothing they can say will give us closure. The answers will never feel enough and will only lead to more questions and longing.
“One Last Meeting” Extends the Pain
When there is still communication after a breakup, it is tempting to ask for one last face-to-face meeting to understand and find the closure you desire. But for all the aforementioned reasons, this won’t help.
A meeting is often just an excuse to reach out because the end feels too painful. Sometimes there’s a veiled hope that they may rethink or have doubts about leaving by seeing them for “one last talk”.
No one is ever wrong for seeking closure in this way but check whether you are really hoping for reconciliation before meeting. Think about how your pain might be prolonged if you don’t get it.
Your Closure Can’t Come From Their Truth
You cannot count on the words of the person who broke your heart when it comes to getting closure. Not because they are being purposefully dishonest (except in certain cases where they are) but because there is never just one truth at the time of a breakup.
The answers you get from your ex may bring you some peace or understanding at first. However, if you trust yourself to have closure and then reality shifts, it can set you back and cause even more pain.
You cannot hang on to someone else’s explanations or truth because they will have no lasting meaning for you. Your closure will have a solid foundation only if it comes from your own truth.
Moving On Should Not Be Conditional
You disempower yourself if you believe that you can only find closure through your ex-partner. By doing so, you leave it up to him to decide whether it is okay to move on.
If you seek a change in behavior, an apology, an explanation, forgiveness, empathy or anything else from him before you can move on, what happens if those things never happen?
Whatever your ex-partner withholds from you or tells you about how he behaved then, whatever his current situation or future behavior may be, is far less important than your reaction to all these things.
It is within your power to get closure and it will be much easier if you stop focusing on your ex.
Closure Is Not Passive – What You Do Counts
It is common knowledge that “time heals all wounds.”
While it is true that the intensity of the feelings of grief may lessen over time, what really makes the difference is your willingness to grow and change internally.
As you accept the loss, you will find that you are no longer as emotionally triggered by the same external situations. However, this is not because anything out there is different but because you are.
When you learn to change your perspective, heal an inner wound and change your reactions to events, you gain peace within. This is not dictated by time; it is up to you how quickly you want to make these changes.
Closure Is Not a One-Time Event
There is a misunderstanding that closure is something that we finally “get”. The word itself implies that everything related to the breakup ends with it. Because of this belief, we are constantly wondering when we will finally “have it.”
Getting closure is a continuous journey of learning, self-knowledge and reviewing our progress. We don’t just get a clean slate one morning and start all over again. Instead, seeing it as a process rather than a one-time event takes the pressure and expectation away from reaching this end goal.
When we reframe closure this way, we also relieve ourselves of judgment about how we should feel. It is common to view new emotional triggers as unwelcome after a period of steady progress. They are viewed negatively as signs of a setback but they highlight where we still need a little more healing.
To come to peace with a breakup, you have to heal yourself through focus and growth. This is the kind of closure that does not come from a new relationship, an ex-partner or any other external source. When you find closure this way, it cannot be taken away from you.
Let us know in the comments below how you deal with breakups.