Recovering From A Breakup (Part 1)

A breakup implies walking the path of grief. It involves a whole lot more than losing your partner…It is a process that is not usually pleasant, but it is necessary to experiment to elaborate on what happened and put an end to move forward. Coping with a breakup is not easy; nobody has taught us how to do it. However, several aspects are important to consider to put an end to and heal our wounds. Let’s check them out!


The Grieving Process

Although there are many theories about the phases of grief, in my experience, the perspective with which I agree the most is the one that describes the following stages:

  • Denial
  • Rage
  • Sadness
  • Impotence
  • Empty
  • Acceptance

First of all, we deny loss as a defense mechanism. What happened hurts us so much that our mind and body need time to digest that change, so shocking on an emotional level. It is not an easy task, regardless of whether you are elected or not, so we must take time to overcome this initial phase. An important aspect to bear in mind is that the later stages – such as anger, sadness, and helplessness – do not have to be successive. We can go from one emotion to another. One day we feel anger, another day sadness, another we feel anger again … until, once the process is completed, it ends with the acceptance phase. Now, accepting does not mean that it no longer hurts or that oblivion appears. We do not remember the loss, but that the emotional intensity has decreased, and what happened becomes part of our life story, which means that we learn to live differently. Something changes, and we change, but we don’t want to forget; we want to heal.


The mourning for the breakup

Once the grief process is contextualized at a general level, we will deepen from different points of view the grief due to the breakup of a couple, one of the most painful and costly processes, since it is the most intimate and close bond after the family.


How does someone who has not decided to leave the relationship to cope with the breakup?

What happens is that, sometimes, the person who has made the decision does not know or cannot give a rational explanation because it is more of an emotional nature. The feeling of anger and helplessness, in this case, is very high because it is a decision that is not in your power and, therefore, you cannot control it. Thus, the emotional impact is intense since although your partner may intuit that the couple does not work, their expectations for the future have been broken. They experience a feeling of emptiness along with a great bag of doubts and questions. In addition, the person who has not decided to leave the relationship usually looks for logical answers. There the logic is not usually present.

Another emotion that usually appears is guilt: “Have I done something wrong? “,” I should have acted differently “,” I am not worth enough “… The person who does not decide to put the full stop begins to review their relationship history and questions themselves as if their partner’s responsibility has decided to end the relationship. In this situation, it is important to pay attention to self-talk and not blame yourself. The person who “changes” is the one who leaves, the one who does not decide is the same. Therefore, it is not that it is worthless, but that something has moved in the other member of the couple to decide.

Of course, it is essential to do something with the feeling of lack of control and the type “I can not decide anything” due to that situation because they are not entirely true. Because even if you can’t force or convince another person to stay in the relationship, there is something you can do: take care of yourself. Crying, getting angry, and complaining are fundamental aspects of healing the wounds of the breakup, pampering yourself, speaking well, and treating yourself better. Because even if you have not been able to take part in the decision to break up, it is possible – and recommended – to take responsibility for yourself and move forward.


What are the ways to manage a breakup? How do you deal with it? Stay tuned for the next part!


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